So there I was at the hospital for my 20 week scan, waiting to see our little baby again. I was so excited. Finally made it to 20 weeks without a sign of sickness or backache. I had felt my baby moving and I was feeling amazing! I had sorted my 9 single pound coins for the ticket machine so I could have 3 copies of the scan, and had sent my sister to get the tickets so I didn’t have to wait around forever as I hated hospitals so much.

5 more minutes to wait with an extremely full bladder, hoping they’d hurry up so I didn’t wet myself there and then.

“BETHAN GERMON?” my name was finally called and all I could think about was the sex of our future child.

“They better not slip up and blurt out the sex, I really do not want to know” I was saying to Dave as we entered the room. “nothing better than having a surprise” I carried on into a bright room where I was greeted by a very happy young lady. I was asked to take a seat and the lights were then lowered… SO EXCITING!! It was like the beginning of our own film!

The scan was amazing. I had never seen such detail of a babies spinal cord, little fingers and feet moving along the screen. To see the baby kicking and actually being able to feel it at the same time was awesome. To me everything looked in proportion and the girl scanning my bump seemed happy with everything so far… I was under the impression that everything was accounted for and we could see everything. The heart beat looked lovely and strong and she’d labelled all the organs.

However I was asked to drink MORE WATER, seriously! And walk for 10 minutes to re position the baby to have a better view of a few things. No problem! It’s in the guide and all the books for the 20 week scan, nothing to worry about.

On return I was put back on the scanning chair and the probe was whizzed over my belly very briefly. Followed by… “I would like you to pop back this afternoon so my consultant can check a few things over. Nothing to worry about just a second opinion is all.”

“Is everything ok with the baby?”

“I would just like a second opinion by someone who is better qualified than myself, I wouldn’t be confident to say more than that at this time, I’ve already spoken to Mr Moselli, he can see you here this afternoon at 3pm”

“Can I get 3 prints of the scan please?”

“I would wait to see what Mr Moselli has to say first, give him the tokens later and we can sort you out with the prints”

I left with a very weird feeling. I had seen the heart beating and the baby kicking and everything organ seemed to be present so what was the problem?

3pm came and I was sat back in the hospital waiting. Again with a full bladder and left waiting. Finally the consultant called my name and took me through to a private room with comfy chairs. I was asked “so what is your understanding as to why you are back here?”

“I’m not sure” Was my first response. He then asked me and Dave to follow him to have another scan. This time the room was already darkened and the overall tone was very low. I was greeted by the same girl with a very serious look on her face with a kind of half smile that dropped within a second. Something was up…

This time the scan was cold, no one spoke apart from the odd mutter and writing of notes. The jelly seemed colder, the probe seemed harder, the click of the mouse and typing of the keys seemed a lot louder this time and I could feel my heart beating in my ears and throat. With a heavy sigh he said “Right everything is done, come and have a chat”

We were ushered in a room, it was very clinical but they had comfy chairs and boxes of tissues on the table. We were left for a few minutes. Not knowing where to look or what to say we just sat there holding hands.

“We’ve had a look at the fetus and there seems to be a part of the brain missing, its called the cerebellum. Looks something like a dumbbell usually, however on this scan we can’t seem to find it. When the brain folds in the womb it either folds perfectly or sometimes fills with fluid. That fluid is called a cyst. We’ve found quite a considerable cyst in the back of the babies head. It could be something, however until you’ve been seen by a specialist in Cardiff I can’t really say anything more. The head circumference is in the high percentile too. I’m really sorry. Also we can’t seem to get a correct view of the heart, again could be something, it could be nothing. You’ll get a letter in the post for a referral to fetal medicine in Cardiff. Until then try and get some rest and look after yourself.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I’d taken all the vitamins, ate and drank all the right things. Made sure my baths were the perfect temperatures, not done any heavy lifting and starting walking to get fit and ready for the delivery. Surely my baby was OK?

All of a sudden the reality of getting carried away by the gender of the baby seemed ridiculous. The 20 week scan in everyone’s head is to find out the gender of the baby not to be telling me news I don’t ever want to hear.

As I’m writing this a Facebook friend has written and I quote “Tomorrow we hopefully find out if its 💟Team Pink💟 or 💙Team Blue💙!x”

Someones replied “So long as they are healthy you really wont care”

But what if they are not healthy? What happens then? Do we love them less and choose to cut our losses and move on?

We live in a generation that are obsessed with eradicating gender in all walks of life. Gender is stripped from our marriage certificates because of equal rights. Women are campaigning for equal pay. We’ve even got to the point of mixed toilets in public schools for fear of offending small children over gender. Yet when I comes to a 20 week scan we’re obsessed. We loose focus on what the 20 week scan is all about. Which is the health and growth of our babies.

I learnt a lot through my pregnancy. I didn’t make my news common knowledge other than close family and work colleagues and maybe a few friends. Everyone was obsessed with the gender, the look of shock when we told people we weren’t finding out and were waiting for a surprise. To be told EVERY TIME “so long as he or she is healthy…”

Trust me so long as they are loved and cared for it really doesn’t matter. You will love them regardless.

P.s I never got those scan prints. The 3 tickets are still in my purse.